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Dear Yeshiva Family:
In this week's parshah, Moshe Rabbeinu recounts the journeys of Klal Yisrael of the last 40 years through the desert, highlighting the areas that Klal Yisrael needed to improve and deserved rebuke. The first episode discussed in depth was the story of the spies, initially covered in Parshas Shelach. Moshe Rabbeinu records the spies reporting that the land is good (1:25) and then says (1:26) "and you did not wish to enter." What is astounding is that while the spies' initially reported that the land was good, they quickly segued into badmouthing the land, and Moshe Rabbeinu makes no mention of that sin. Instead, Moshe focuses solely on the people's response - their refusal to enter based on the spies' report.
Rabbi Immanuel Bernstein explains this discrepancy with a profound lesson. To refer to the stain on Klal Yisrael regarding the sin of the spies as being only the slanderous report of the spies would be incorrect. That was the sin of the spies themselves, but not of the nation. The rest of Klal Yisrael sinned in that they accepted the report and acted accordingly. That sin was Moshe Rabbeinu's focus at this point. At this point the spies had already been punished and it was not necessary for Moshe to give them rebuke; the sin under the microscope was the sin of the people. Moshe ignored the cause for the people's refusal, because really it is not relevant. If someone sins, they are responsible and it is improper to try and place the blame on others. Ultimately, the people should have trusted in Hashem's promise rather than the spies report, regardless of anything else going on, and therefore they were at fault.
We cannot always control what people say to us or what happens to us, but we can choose, and we will be responsible for, how we react to the stimuli that happen to us. The excuse that someone "made me do it" will not be accepted in Heaven, and that was Moshe Rabbeinu's rebuke.
R' Bernstein goes further to explain a verse immediately following the incident with the spies where Moshe Rabbeinu says (1:37) "With me, as well, Hashem became angry because of you, saying You, too, shall not come there". The Ramban questions what this verse has to do with the theme of the spies. R' Bernstein says perhaps these are not words of rebuke but rather an expression of empathy. Moshe's message to the people was that one cannot escape his actions by blaming people and saying "they made me do it." At this point, Moshe was saying I also experienced this myself; I, too, acted incorrectly for which I could blame the people but that did not prevent me from bearing the consequences of my actions.
This is a major lesson for us. We know it is improper to speak lashon hara, slanderous talk, against a fellow Jew. We know it is improper to get angry. It is of course prohibited to hit someone else. On a regular day we would never do such things, but when faced with challenging situations, sometimes we succumb to negative behaviors, and then make immature excuses like "but he said…". We cannot blame others; we are responsible for our actions.
Consider a police officer pulling over someone caught in a dangerous road rage incident. The driver might launch into a sob story about how they were a victim of bullying or other personal hardships, but this doesn't excuse their reckless behavior. It might offer some context, but it doesn't change the fact that they're still responsible for their choices in controlling their vehicle.
In marriage, people sometimes engage in immature arguments or act inappropriately toward their spouse. Yet, the rules of marriage are clear (Rambam Ishus 15:19): "One must honor his wife more than he honors himself!" This is why we open the car door and seat our wives before taking our own place—because treating your spouse with greater respect is not just a nice gesture; it's a fundamental principle. Adhering to these laws means that excuses like "but she started it" are completely beside the point and not allowed. The reality is that in a healthy marriage, both partners strive to outdo each other in kindness, creating a cycle of generosity where everyone benefits.
Parenthetically, if one follows that rule of honoring a wife more than himself, he usually does not have to respond to any negative behaviors, because there are none. Treat her like a queen and she'll treat you like a king, is a great aphorism to run your marriage with. There are some caveats to this topic. In Heaven, every action is judged meticulously, and someone who sins in a vacuum—without provocative stimuli—may face stricter penalties than someone with an excuse. However, we must still face the consequences of our actions. Additionally, while this article emphasizes personal responsibility for misdeeds, it is also important not to tempt others into sin. In a sense, it can be "also" the victim's fault, but it is predominantly the perpetrator's responsibility.
Of course, if it works like this in a manner of holding us accountable for negative outcomes, it certainly works like this for positive outcomes. If someone performs a mitzvah, even if it was due to being goaded into the act by others, one can still take credit for doing the Mitzvah! In this case as well, the person who caused the mitzvah will also be rewarded.
May Hashem continue to guide us in serving Him, in a responsible, mature manner, where we are conscientious and take responsibility for our actions. Have a great Shabbos!
Rabbi Moshe Revah Rosh HaYeshiva, HTC - Beis HaMidrash LaTorah moshe.revah@htc.edu | 
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