| Dear Yeshiva Family:
In this week's parshah Yosef famously brings his sons, Efraim and Menasheh, to Yaakov to receive the special berachos. Yosef positioned his sons so that Yaakov would place his right hand, the stronger hand, on Menasheh, his eldest, and the left, weaker hand would go on Efraim, his younger son. However, Yaakov, understanding that Efraim was deserving of the stronger blessing from the right hand, crossed his hands, and placed his right hand on Efraim and his left hand on Menasheh.
Rabbi Dovid Zucker shlita asks: Why did Yaakov cross his hands and give the blessing that way, rather than simply ask the boys to switch their positions, and have Efraim repositioned on Yaakov's right? Rabbi Zucker answers that we see from here a very important lesson; when there is a situation where something is not proper and there is a possibility of remedying the situation by changing someone else or looking inwards and changing yourself, the best way to move forward is for you to change yourself. It is very hard to change others but much easier to change yourself since your actions and attitude are within your control. Therefore, when presented with the choice, the optimal way to make things work is by adapting yourself to the situation. This, of course, is great advice for spouses who sometimes don't see eye to eye. If two people are in a relationship, the only thing under your control is your own actions, and since the responsibility for a healthy relationship is at least 50 percent on you, then you have to change that which is under your control, and you have to look deep inside to see how you can make things work out well!
The Gemara (Pesachim 56a) relates that on Yaakov's deathbed Yaakov wanted to reveal the time when Moshiach was slated to come. At the last second, the Shechina left him and he was unable to recall when that time would come. Yaakov got nervous, perhaps it was because one of his sons was unworthy of receiving this revelation; the shevatim reassured him and responded, first with the declaration of Shema Yisrael, and then by stating "the same way there is only One Hashem in your heart, so too is there only One Hashem in our hearts." R' Nosson Eichenstein from Ziditchov asked why did the Shevatim have to begin their statement with the prelude 'the same way there is only One Hashem in your heart'; their main point is that we are worthy and we have only One Hashem in our hearts? He explained that the shevatim were reassuring Yaakov why there was no need to be concerned about their worthiness, and that was because there was One Hashem in Yaakov's heart! Children are a mirror of their parents' essence, not a product of their words or lectures, and since in Yaakov's heart there was only One Hashem, we can be rest assured that there was only One Hashem in their hearts as well, as they got it from him!
Parents think that they can lecture about anger and envy, about maturity and restrictions, but it is the messages conveyed by how they act and model, which manifests who they really are, that get passed down.
When I was in Yeshiva of Passaic, I was in charge of the structure and length of the Shabbos seudos and managed to get the seudos down to 14 minutes! Rav Meir Stern Shlita, the Rosh HaYeshiva, called me in to ask me what I was doing and asked me if this is how I plan to be mechanech my children and run a Shabbos seudah with them. I responded that be'Ezras Hashem, when I have children, I'll run a different style seudah. R' Meir then taught me this great lesson: children will learn what is really in my heart, who I really am, not what I intend on teaching them by lectures or even by fake examples. If I don't genuinely believe in a beautiful Shabbos seudah, but just go through the motions for my kids, the beauty of Shabbos will not be passed down to them. So first I have to be mechanech myself in the beauty of a Shabbos seudah, learn the incredible enjoyment of sitting and singing uplifting zemiros, saying divrei Torah, and eating in the company of the Shabbos Queen; once I truly inculcate those feelings into my essence and demonstrate them, only then can I hope to pass them down to my kids!
That is the secret of chinuch. Who you are and what you really stand for will determine, more often than not, who your kids will become.
This concept can be witnessed in many shuls. Many fathers tell their children not to talk during davening, yet they themselves are not so careful in this regard. We see this exact behavior passed down to their kids, where when those kids become adults and fathers themselves, they dutifully tell their children not to talk while talking themselves, a carbon copy of their fathers! A perfect application of chinuch at its best!
Now we can add on to R' Dovid Zucker's words: By changing oneself, one can successfully change others. But only by first changing oneself. Anytime there is something that needs to be changed, the first place to look is inwards: is there something that can be changed internally that can help the overall situation? Those are the only things under our control. Then once those things are rectified, many times the other problems are naturally resolved, for the other parties involved may mirror your example of self-improvement.
May we continue to grow together and develop that ability to look inwards and become better people, changing ourselves, thereby changing our families, communities, and then truly be a light unto all the nations!
Rabbi Moshe Revah Rosh HaYeshiva, HTC - Beis HaMidrash LaTorah moshe.revah@htc.edu | 
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